My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
