im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
