one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
