for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
