He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
