Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
