I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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