just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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