that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
