She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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