Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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