they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
