i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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