I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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