Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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