She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
