I wish I could punch you in the face.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
