What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
