My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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