well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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