I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
