She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
