I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Damn victory sex feels great
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
