I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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