he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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