I puked a lego.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
