Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
