I want to have your abortion
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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