I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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