i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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