She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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