I want to stick my p in your. b.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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