Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
