How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
