ya dads aren't the best wingmen
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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