That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
