Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
