I wish my penis had an off switch
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
