Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
