how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
