Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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