i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
