So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
