Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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