I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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