Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
