I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
