How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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