I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
