I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
are you so shy because you have an std?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
